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[14 May 2006|09:14pm] |
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So. Prom was last night.
I had fun, and that's good. But the SI never goes away, apparently.
I punish myself, something that came as a shocking realisation today. I don't do it for release as much as I do it to "get back at myself" for what I do to other people. Even if they aren't angry or hurt, I feel like I did something to wrong them, and have to fix that.
My friends all got a room together. I thought I was happy, because I was laughing and having a good time all night. Apparently not, as some subconscious thought led me to get drunk not even an hour into the party. Made a total ass of myself, no doubt.
..Well, I think I did. I don't remember half of what happened.
My boyfriend was there. We've only been going out for a couple months so I don't know exactly how he's going to react to everything, and more often than not insert my ex-boyfriend's reasoning into things. I thought that if I got totally wasted and threw myself at him it'd make him happy. That's how my ex was, though I never got drunk around him. He liked it when I didn't think, and there's definitely no thoughts going on in my head when it's full of vodka.
I'm sure I hurt him, saying things that were completely evil and horrible. Somehow he layed with me in bed and just held me while I went on and on about how horrible my ex was. And how if he wouldn't let me do anything with him at the party he didn't love me. Couldn't love me, apparently.
So I came home and proceeded to get back at myself for all the pain I undoubtably caused. Major relapse. I did it where I hope he won't see it until the scars are well healed, but he's very perceptive. Might get me to spill it and admit that I did it even before he notices anything. He can just .. tell.
I wish I knew how to not let my previous bad experiences reflect on things now. Trying to not let things snowball out of control. My guilt over my relapse could trigger even more. I'm so confused.
Anyone know how to completely forget about someone? Someone you were totally obsessed with for two years? I'd love a miracle..
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